Les Fleurs Blanches

_{A victim of my own imagination - that's who I'll always be. A threat to myself. Living in a cage of my foolish desires. I cut off the wings of everyone I love, just because I love. And come to think of it, I shall probably never discover what love really is.
He's leaving tomorrow morning and I've nothing left to live for when he's not around. Too bad I didn't just poison him when I had the chance. When I still wasn't sure of how dear he is to me. All this time in the past, he was making me furious. I didn't want to listen, thought he'd never understand. You see, I was a wild thing, a wicked, unpredictable creature and how on earth could he handle that? Somehow, eventually, he tamed the wild beast, pulled her out of the bloody river she was drowning in for ages. Cursed, haunted Ophelia, queen of the damned. She was to be no longer. I never even imagined the hell of his light surrounding me everywhere I go. Every bloody moment.
Until then, I was given a credit of trust, an opportunity to close the ugly black box of my fears and irrational horrors. But I became a fool again and now he's leaving.
'I shouldn't tell you this', I said spontanously 'But I'm going to die.'
He looked at me, slightly surprised.
'We're all gonna die someday.' was his extremely rational reply.
I watched him while he filled his suitcase with ties I used to borrow from him. Stiff as a sculpture, I had no strenght to move from my armchair.
'You don't understand' I insisted, begging my own self not to panic. 'In a year or two, I will be nothing more but a dry, tiny skeleton. The white flowers, which you like so much, will soon grow all over me.'
He stopped packing and sat in front of me. I rarely saw him so puzzeled. I took a deep breath.
'I have an illness which I can't deal with anymore', I said as calmly as I could. 'At first I ignored it and thought that I was too young, I didn't give a damn. But it was so foolish of me. And now I have to pay.'
'What is it?' he whispered. 'Why didn't you... How could you possibly hide this from me?'
I was certain that he will get teary eyed in a moment.
'Oh I don't know' I sighed. 'I was afraid that you... You had enough things to worry about, enough souls depending on you and I, to be honest, wanted to be only a bit of fun for you.'
He got up so suddenly, that I almost jumped. My words obviously made him angry.
'I can't believe in what I'm hearing.' he admitted. 'All this time I though that you and I, this relationship, no matter how screwed up and weird, meant something much more than just, as you said it, fun. What the hell were you thinking? I loved you.'
His words clutched my throat as if they were some vicious claws.
'No, you didn't.' I said after a short pause. 'I wasn't made for this. I am a monster, hidden in a woman's body. And monsters are never loved by anyone, it's not meant for them.'
'You're sick...' he hissed. I saw disappointment in his eyes.
'But also, monsters never die in such misery which I'm about to face.' I countinued. 'What's eating me from the inside is what I was always... afraid of.'
He poured himself a glass of water. The last one in this house?, I thought, scared to death. I tried not to watch him all the time and concentrate on the boquet of white flowers in the vase, but it was really tough.
'What do you expect me to do?' he asked after taking a few sips. 'You throw away the love I've given to you and at the same time you seem to be begging for mercy.'
I gave him a soft look.
'Just... don't go.'
I observed him as he moved slowly across the room and after a moment of hesitation, locked his suitcase.}


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Somewhere in the High Tatra Mountains, Slovakia.

Story & photo by me.



June 2010